Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The New Revolution

Jon and I just got back from Puerto Vallarta — well, now its been three months ago. This was my third time and Jon's second trip. Let me tell you, if you've never been there, you're missing out. It's a land of magic — not just because every fourth block smells like garbage and someone asks you to purchase their wares — but because you can get anything you want. Anything. When a cab driver asks you for a ride and you decline, his next obvious question is if you'd like any cocaine. If this too is something you aren't in the mood for, he offers you a blow job. How nice is that?! The fact is, the people there are just friendly. The pharmacia, or pharmacy to our American friends, is open to the public and anyone with an addictive personality is left feeling like a kid in a candy store. Muscle relaxers — buy one, get one free.
The most amazing part of Puerto Vallarta though, is the food. After living in New York and Ohio — where Mexican food consists of cheese slices or "queso" (which is Midwestern for "plastic cheese sauce") — it is amazing to eat authentic Mexican food again. Even if it did first require me eating Pepto Bismol, Gas X and Immodium.

I graduated from community college. Some people asked me if I was going to walk in the graduation, I scoffed. I think it insulted them. Really? Two years of community college and I should be proud enough — and feel accomplished enough — to walk? I did get the graduation pamphlet complete with the FAQ (number one being: do the gowns come in extra large sizes?) which I promptly discarded. I was supposed to start at OSU this quarter but, alas, I remain at Columbus State, because my transcripts never made it. I say this like it was someone else's fault, but truthfully, it was mostly mine. So, I've started my hospitality management classes at Columbus State. My first class was food safety and sanitation. Our "professor" was in front of the class (which is in a 70s basement — which went well with his 70s mustache) next to him, written in yellow chalk: HOSPATALITY MANAGEMENT. It was all downhill from there. Our first major discussion was on food temperatures. The focus was then shifted to types of food.

"What is poultry?", he asks the class.

I never answer questions. It's far too much fun to hear what people say, and besides, I don't want them thinking I'm smart or they might follow me back to my car and steal my parking money.

"Poultry are things that fly.. well, with a few exceptions. Can anyone name poultry that can't fly?", said his moustache.

"Ducks", said a fat girl.

"Nooo, nope. Ducks fly."

"Chickens" , boasted the other fat girl.

"Nope, chickens do fly, not high, but they fly." This all being said while a six foot image of a winged chicken was projected onto the yellowed screen. "The ostrich and the emu, they are both ratites", his moustache explained.

"What!? You can't eat no ostrich!?", the fat girl barked.

The remainder of the class time consisted of everyone learning how and why people wash their hands. A concept that left most people bewildered. How one makes it thirty years without understanding that bacteria and germs are picked up from various things that you touch is beyond me. When you take a shit, little particles of shit can get on your hands. Then, if you're making a salad at the Applbees where you work, your shit gets in people's salads and voila, Norovirus gastroenteritis!

"I don't wanna be eatin' no people's shit!" Well, genius — wash your fucking hands!

The class ended with a debate as too which fast food restaurant was the best — there was a unanimous vote for Popeye's biscuits, which were compared to crack based on their deliciousness — and finished up with the professor trying very hard to explain that the Olive Garden is not fine dining. Everyone decided that because they put nice clothes on when they go there, it was considered fine dining. Why argue.

So, I'm taking the summer off. Mostly for my own personal sanity. I think I've reach my maximum capacity for idiocy in this lifetime. Let the summer begin!


Patrick said...

Wow-no comments? Looks like we're the only ones who've experienced the joy of classes at Columbus State. You can't eat no ostrich! Don't you know MEN aren't supposed to look in a LADIES' HANDBAG??

Patrick said...

My GOD I hate school this quarter. I actually have reasonably intelligent students in my courses (everything is relative, remember), but the material is SO boring. When it gets to the technical stuff, I'm fine. That stuff's actually hard and I have to pay attention, but I've already learned a lot of it.

This quarter is like 9th grade health class, except you have to do some research which has to be cited even though you already know the answer if you're not a moron. Terribly dull. It's 6 AM and I'm working on some stupid assignment which was due at midnight. I'll lose one point-no biggie-but it makes me feel like a bad student, a bad person even, for being this lazy.

We have to complete a teaching/learning assignment in which was demonstrate our understanding of a nurse's role as an educator. I'm writing about how I tried teaching this retarded kid I took care of how to measure his blood sugar, but since we were never able to do that because his autistic uncle and revolting mother were always watching judge judy. So I have to make the project up and I have no energy to be creative in this way.